awkward right? falling on old habits is a habit of mine. but god its so good to go back to something tried and true. blind and full of denial i continue.
so i tried explaining everything to someone, not everything, the bigger of the usually unsaid points. and his answer was simple. "so..."
i dont feel this way everyday. im not that girl. i dont make boys hearts flutter. im forgettable. some friend of a friend. but he looks at me and i die. i get to be the one he is painfully indecisive and hilarious and serious and lazy and nostalgic and sad and bored and hungry and interesting with. i get to be something for a second. i dont know when im gonna stop being something. but i get to be something for now.
i bet you say that to all the girls. thats just the way he looks when he looks. its not you.
maybe im just a silly girl who made another mistake. silly girl. just weak. believing anything.
so i shake my head in a small breaking moment of clarity and push it away. i can control myself only, my thoughts, my me. let it be. let it all come to pass and we will all laugh later on. cant fix this now, or ever. clarity of yes or no. panic of never and always.
"so... you love him."
i didnt know whether to laugh. or cry. or throw up.
i had a drink and went back to old habits.
